The Struggles of Mom

Mom Guilt, it seems all moms have it.  I have yet to talk to one that does not have guilt over something.  Whether it comes from us, other moms or society we all have it and it can easily consume us.  As a mom with a corn allergic the guilt piles on pretty high sometimes and it is pretty hard to get rid of.

I know that I am not a bad mom.  I love my kids, would die for them and spend my days taking care of them.  This allergy is a catch 22 and it seems that when you are trying so hard to make things work for one kid you are letting the other down.  In our house I have a corn allergic kid and a husband with the allergy.  We keep our house free of allergens which means I cook a lot.  On average I cook 6 hours a day, that is 6 hours that I am standing in my kitchen prepping and making food.  Some days it is 8 hours and some days it is 4 but it is fair to say a good portion of my awake time is cooking.  You see when I am cooking I am not playing with my kids, I am not reading stories, building forts or heading to the beach.  My oldest who has no allergies struggles with the amount of time I spend in the kitchen.  He gets mad that I am always cooking and can not play with him and it has gotten worse since he started school.

Today was a hard day.  My oldest wanted to build a fort and read books.  I told him he had to wait until I made the three pots of soup I needed to make, as well as wash 15 lbs of blueberries and freeze them.  He got teary eyed and told me I was mean, that I was not being a good mom and that he was sad that I did not want to play with him.  I will not lie and say that that was not the worst thing to hear.  It broke my heart and put me in a place I hate to be.  I hate having to choose between making sure there is enough for my family and spending time with kids.  I really do not like that my son feels that I do not want to just spend my days snuggled next to him.  I am at a loss of what to say to make him understand.  It really seems so unfair at times and it is the source of my guilt.  When I cook I feel bad for not being more active in their lives and when I am playing with them I feel guilt about not making the foods I need to make.

I sometimes get jealous of the other moms out there that can buy dinner at the grocery store or take their family out to eat.  I get jealous when I see pictures of all the fun stuff that people are doing while I am cooking.  Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, the weight on shoulders hurts and I cry.  Tonight I cried.  I let out the frustrations of never getting a break, I let go of the life we won't live anymore and I cried for the vacations we will never take.  After the good cry I picked myself up and went to prep for tomorrow's cooking day.  I know that the work I do makes my son healthy and happy.  I know that eating REAL food makes us all healthier and happier.  I know that my boys appreciate all that I do and love eating the foods that we have in the house.  I know that we are teaching our boys important lessons in life and that there will come a day when they will look back and be very grateful for all that we have done.

I know that we are never given more then we can handle but sometimes it is so hard.  I am a stronger person because of this allergy and I do believe it has made me a better mom.  Tonight when I tucked in my oldest, I told him I loved him and that I am so happy he is my son.  He reached over and kissed me on the cheek and told me that he loved me and really loved the smoothie I made him today and just maybe I could make it again tomorrow. And just like that the guilt is gone and I am grateful for all that I have.