I know that I am not a bad mom. I love my kids, would die for them and spend my days taking care of them. This allergy is a catch 22 and it seems that when you are trying so hard to make things work for one kid you are letting the other down. In our house I have a corn allergic kid and a husband with the allergy. We keep our house free of allergens which means I cook a lot. On average I cook 6 hours a day, that is 6 hours that I am standing in my kitchen prepping and making food. Some days it is 8 hours and some days it is 4 but it is fair to say a good portion of my awake time is cooking. You see when I am cooking I am not playing with my kids, I am not reading stories, building forts or heading to the beach. My oldest who has no allergies struggles with the amount of time I spend in the kitchen. He gets mad that I am always cooking and can not play with him and it has gotten worse since he started school.
Today was a hard day. My oldest wanted to build a fort and read books. I told him he had to wait until I made the three pots of soup I needed to make, as well as wash 15 lbs of blueberries and freeze them. He got teary eyed and told me I was mean, that I was not being a good mom and that he was sad that I did not want to play with him. I will not lie and say that that was not the worst thing to hear. It broke my heart and put me in a place I hate to be. I hate having to choose between making sure there is enough for my family and spending time with kids. I really do not like that my son feels that I do not want to just spend my days snuggled next to him. I am at a loss of what to say to make him understand. It really seems so unfair at times and it is the source of my guilt. When I cook I feel bad for not being more active in their lives and when I am playing with them I feel guilt about not making the foods I need to make.
I sometimes get jealous of the other moms out there that can buy dinner at the grocery store or take their family out to eat. I get jealous when I see pictures of all the fun stuff that people are doing while I am cooking. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, the weight on shoulders hurts and I cry. Tonight I cried. I let out the frustrations of never getting a break, I let go of the life we won't live anymore and I cried for the vacations we will never take. After the good cry I picked myself up and went to prep for tomorrow's cooking day. I know that the work I do makes my son healthy and happy. I know that eating REAL food makes us all healthier and happier. I know that my boys appreciate all that I do and love eating the foods that we have in the house. I know that we are teaching our boys important lessons in life and that there will come a day when they will look back and be very grateful for all that we have done.
I know that we are never given more then we can handle but sometimes it is so hard. I am a stronger person because of this allergy and I do believe it has made me a better mom. Tonight when I tucked in my oldest, I told him I loved him and that I am so happy he is my son. He reached over and kissed me on the cheek and told me that he loved me and really loved the smoothie I made him today and just maybe I could make it again tomorrow. And just like that the guilt is gone and I am grateful for all that I have.
